Chatting with the Chops

I just made my plane home last night.

To tell you the truth, dear Reader, I was a few minutes early to the Atlanta airport and was able -with only a moment to spare - to switch to the earlier 6 PM flight instead of the last one at 8:30.

Of course, you pay a price for such daring decision making – a $50 change fee and a seat in row 44 – banished to the very back of a 757. You know it, perhaps, the one near the toilets and serving area?

My seat was by the window and thus I had to dislodge the beefy Mr. and Mrs. Pork Chop who had already settled in. This is how I described them - disparagingly you see - to my wife later in the evening.

The Chops were returning from Las Vegas. The husband was doing all the talking as though we were old friends catching up on the news. He was sitting on the other side of his wife so I had to both turn and lean forward to hear him around the woman's ample bosom (to put it politely). He was chatting casually in the American way – telling me all about the trip, their daughter who lives in Santa Barbara, the new grandbaby, losing at the casino, the bad weather and the incredible all-you-can-eat meals they serve “out there”.

He told me this before take off.

At 10,000 feet, when you can switch on those electronic gadgets Santa brought you, the Chops broke out a giant box of “cinnibuns”. You know - those to-die-for sticky, sweet, aromatic, sugar bombs. Within moments, the 24 passengers in the last four rows were shifting, turning, straining to locate the source of such tantalization.

Between bites, Mr. Chop droned on about their hotel room in Vegas and the loud New Year’s Eve party which kept them up half the night. Next to me, elbow in my side, Mrs. Chop just muttered, uttered, grunted and groaned in response to her husband’s 75 minute, running commentary. Her sweater, I noticed, was speckled with crumbs.

Down at the baggage claim – as it sometimes happens – their suitcase came out along with mine. Mr. Chop said “see you again, pal” as though we had furtively planned another trip together and they waddled out into the night.